hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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