My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
