Too much gin, very little bucket
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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