I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
