Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
