I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
