i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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