It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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