I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
