I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have post one night stand depression
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