My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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