Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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