why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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