I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
