She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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