theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
