Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
