I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
