She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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