I wish my penis had an off switch
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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