I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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