Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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