How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
