why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
