he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
