Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
