Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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