Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
