you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
