Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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