She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
