This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
