I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
