My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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