i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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