All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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