I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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