She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
