yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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