rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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