I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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