JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
