I didn't shave. On purpose
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
