Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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