homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
