She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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