I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
