Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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