My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
