I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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