you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
