I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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