Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
