so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
